Bowen's Birth Story

My due date of March 12th came and went, and I was met with the emotions I knew were coming. My body ached, and literally could not stretch a single millimeter more, and there I was- STILL PREGNANT. Now, don't get me wrong, I made space in each day to feel absolutely grateful for the life I was so blessed to carry in my belly. But if you've ever gone passed your due date in pregnancy, you know the complete roller coaster of feelings, going from blissfully happy to borderline homicidal, within seconds. And with Bowen being my fourth baby, I was not the only one surprised by the fact that I hadn't delivered yet. So we waited.

The hours felt like days, and the days felt like they were a hundred years long. 

Monday and Tuesday dragged on, but having the kids home for Spring Break was a welcome distraction. I spent most of the time lounging around the house in the only sweats that still fit me, but looked excitedly forward to Wednesday, when I was set to have a membrane sweep with my midwife Jamie. On Tuesday night we blasted music in the family room, and danced around with the kids to try and get labor going. I brought all my best moves, but Bowen still wasn't budging.

I woke up Wednesday morning just KNOWING that would be my day. Midwife Jamie and I had discussed how much the membrane sweep would probably help get my body going, so I had it set in my head that if I could just make it to that day, THAT would be when I'd have Bowen. I showered, styled my hair, put on a little makeup, got some things organized in our bedroom in preparation for the birth, and while I joyfully skipped around the bathroom, I got a text from Jamie. She explained that two mamas, about a week further along than I was (God bless them) were both in early labor at the birth center, and because I was not at the point where we NEEDED to get things moving, I needed to just hang tight another day or two. Of course to me, that was complete and utter devastation. I'm not going to lie, I cried. No actually, I BAWLED. I curled up on my bed, and cried, and decided I would, in fact, be pregnant for the rest of my life. The rest of the day was basically a wash, and I just let myself feel all the feelings, and watch all the "Call The Midwife" on Netflix.

On Thursday, Matt forced me out of the house, and we took the kids to see the new Lego Movie. I went to the bathroom like 12 times, and fidgeted through the whole movie with restless leg syndrome, but doing something fun with the kids during their break made me feel like not a complete failure that week. We stopped at the chiropractor for an adjustment for me, and I also had another acupuncture session. The combination of the two, I was SURE would help get some contractions going, but I got a full night of restful sleep instead. Not the worst trade, but I was still pregnant.

Friday brought the light at the end of the tunnel. Jamie texted me and offered me a 10:30am appointment to have a membrane sweep! I was SO happy. I knew my body was ready, but just needed a little coaxing. Of course a membrane sweep is never a sure thing. With Parker, I went into labor within a day of having a sweep done, and with Quinn, I had two done to no avail. You just never know. AND it really depends on the doctor or midwife who does it. Jamie assured me that she had magic little ninja fingers though, so this would for sure get things going. 

If you've never had a membrane sweep, imagine a pap smear (without the speculum), and a finger instead of a cotton swab. So yeah, not super comfy, and lots of pressure, but this is the perfect time to start practicing that deep breathing and visualization you'll use during labor ;-)

We hadn't checked my cervix until then, and I was AGAIN surprised to find out that although my cervix was soft and ripening nicely, I was only about a centimeter dilated. With Quinn, my 3rd, I was walking around for 3 weeks at 3-4 cm dilated. So again, total conundrum, and more proof that each pregnancy is unique!

I had some spotting and cramping immediately after, but nothing crazy. As I was checking out at the front, I asked Jamie if there was anything else I could do to help my body get going. She suggested a very SMALL amount of castor oil (disclaimer: do not take without consulting with your medical provider first). I had always heard that CO was "bad", and was always too scared to try it. But Jamie's tips put my mind at ease. We decided that I should get a good night of sleep first and if I still hadn't gone into labor, then I could try the CO that next morning. So I left the birth center, stopped for a pedicure with some extra massaging on the pressure points in my ankles, and then headed home for the night. 

I was definitely feeling things getting going, but no real contractions at that point. I had my first bit of bloody show and lost a little mucus plug, and I felt those lovely lightening bolts of pain in my cervix that let me know dilation was starting. I slept decent that night, and woke up to a lot of the same- some light spotting and cramping, but no big changes. I decided that after a good healthy breakfast, that I'd take my first little bit of castor oil. I had a tbsp in 8 oz of orange juice. It was not tasty, and the oily texture was the worst part. Jamie suggested eating almonds after, to help keep my stomach settled. It seemed to work well, as I didn't feel any kind of nausea or discomfort at all. I figured then would be a good time to shower, and just get ready for the day. 

If I'm being honest, I went into that day with the decision that THAT was the day I'd have my baby. I was laser focused on just getting myself ready. I think my body just knew too because I felt SUPER tired that day. I had everything ready in our room and bathroom, our home birth kit ready to go, the mattress was lined with plastic painters tarps, and 2 fitted sheets, and we had friends and family on standby with the action plan. After my shower, I texted Jamie to let her know I was going to take my 2nd dose of castor oil. Matt decided to take the kids to Dave & Buster's to get them out of the house for a bit. So after I downed the CO, I still felt comfortable, so I laid down with my "labor playlist" going (lots of meditation and worship music), which I had practiced my visualization and relaxation techniques to for the last couple of months, and I was immediately in a sleepy trance.

After a couple hours, I was awakened by what I knew were my first couple contractions. I decided I shouldn't move and jinx anything, so I grabbed my phone and started timing things just to see if there was any kind of pattern. After about 30 minutes of a decent pattern, I texted Matt and told him he should start rounding the kids up to come home and get ready to go to our friends Courtney and Steve's house for the night.

Matt got home within the next 30 minutes, and got the kids packed up to go, and coordinated with Courtney to come pick the kids up and take them for the night.

I let a little more time pass before I really let myself believe it was "time". It's a funny thing when it happens because there's so much build up and mystery, and then when it finally comes time, it doesn't feel all the way real. But there was no denying the pattern of my contractions, and the strength building behind them. I knew that things would just get more intense and the night went on, so I sent texts to my sister and my parents, a few close friends, and our amazing photographer friend, Ashley (who would be joining us as our birth photographer) and had Matt send texts to his parents too. Once I was sure, I texted Jamie to let her know. She asked if I was ready for the birth team, and I told her I'd text her again in 30 minutes. I wanted to do everything I could to relax my body in case this was a false alarm. So Matt got our bathtub ready for me, and even after soaking for 20-30 minutes, the contractions kept on coming. I texted Jamie back and told her we were ready. 

When Jamie and Sarah, the assistant midwife, both arrived, I was still in the tub. Jamie checked Bowen's heart rate right away to get a little monitoring started. He sounded great, so they set up shop in our room and bathroom. Everything from herbs and first aid supplies, to oxygen and medical supplies, laid out strategically through our "birth suite". Jamie came back to the tub and asked if I wanted to have my cervix checked, just to see where we were at. I said yes, because I'm just the type who likes to know where she's at, and what needs to happen to get to the goal. 

3 centimeters. Not exactly what I wanted to hear. I thought FOR SURE I would be further along by that point, judging by how long my contractions had been nice and consistent. She suggested I get out of the tub and get upright. Walking around and squatting on my yoga ball would help gravity come into play, and get the weight of Bowen pushing down more on my cervix. Jamie and Sarah decided that since I was still pretty early in the labor process, they'd run to Walgreen's to grab a few extra supplies, and left us with the instructions to keep walking around. 

Matt and I stayed upstairs the whole time. I think I did like 1100 laps around our loft, back into our room, and around again. I took a pitstop to pee a couple times, and had some more bloody show, but all very normal for this point in the game. I could feel my body ramping up from the walking, and knew I was shifting into the next stage of labor. 

When Jamie and Sarah returned, I knew Jamie could sense that the energy in the room had shifted, and my labor was getting more serious. She checked my cervix again, and I had gotten to 6 cm. With that good news, I felt like I wanted to soak in the tub again, and get myself a little more centered and comfortable before the next big shift came. After an hour of soaking, we decided to walk some more. Matt helped me from the tub, into my robe, and we walked briefly.

I got a couple really intense contractions, and needed to lean on the stairway bannister to get my bearings and breathe. And after a few minutes of powering through, I felt the room start to close in on me, and I got uncomfortably hot and nauseous. I knew I was going to be sick, and moved as fast as I could toward the bathroom. Jamie met me just in time with a big bowl, and caught my vomit like the amazing support system she is. Vomiting brought some very slight relief, but we all knew things were getting serious and I was knee deep in the transition stage of labor, which meant that I was probably around 7-8 cm. After brushing my teeth, and getting cleaned up, we moved to the bed.

Laying in my own bed during labor felt amazing. But I was HOT from transitioning, and struggled to get comfortable. Matt got the diffuser going with some lavender essential oil, and got my labor playlist moved from the bathroom into the bedroom. Between contractions, I fiddled with the Apple TV, trying to get my playlist to play on the tv instead of my phone, but kept getting interrupted by deep, painful contractions. Each time a contraction would come, time would stop. I focused 100% on my breath and my visualization and my prayer. 

The minutes stretched on and became hours, and I was having trouble keeping my focus. The pain was building, and as we rolled into midnight, I was growing tired. I needed to move, so I did a lap or two around the loft again, and returned back to bed near tears. When the pain and exhaustion collide, it's so easy to lose focus, and I knew that's what was happening to me. Jamie checked my cervix again on the bed and we discovered I had reached 9ish cm, but one little half of a ring of my cervix was hanging on, and not allowing Bowen's head to come down straight. I will never forget Jamie's little hand just resting on my leg during my moments of breakdown. Without words, it was like she was saying, "It's okay. I'm here, and you've got this." 

I asked Jamie, halfway hoping she'd just do it, if she ever manually breaks the water bag. I knew that would put me over the edge, and get this baby to come down. But she presented reasons why it could help, and reasons why it could also make things a lot more intense if it didn't break when it was just ready. Jamie got up to give me a minute of space, and a loud POP filled the room. My water had heard my pleas, and decided to break on its own. I said, "Um, my water broke!" As if they had not already guessed that. I'm not sure there had been a more exciting moment all night.

We sort of felt out the next few minutes. We knew it was getting super close to showtime, but since I didn't have the urge to push yet, we waited. And before I knew it, I was complete at 10cm.

Jamie mentioned that if I wanted that water birth I had talked about, we better get into the water. So Matt and Sarah got the tub filled, and all of our towels ready. They came to get me, and helped me walk very slowly from the bed to the tub. 

Our candles were still lit, and the glow in our bathroom at 2:40something AM was truly a sight to see. I curled up to the edge of the tub, and leaned on the side for what felt like hours. It's normal for labor to come to a quiet lull at this point. Some women "lull" for minutes, and some for longer. I instinctively just knew to wait. I could feel Bowen moving down, and felt a good contraction that let me know it was time to start pushing. I moved from the back of the tub up to the front, and took to my knees while I sort of held my upper body over the front edge. I gripped the side, and felt the power of my body taking over. I gave a couple big pushes, and could feel him starting to crown. That burning fire pain you can't imagine again until you're bringing that next life into the world, and then you remember how incredible and excruciating womanhood is. 

I reached down, and felt the top of his head in the palm of my hand, and exclaimed, "I feel his head!"

With one giant contraction and one roaring, massive push, his head was out, and one more good push shot Bowen out behind me. And in the most perfectly imperfect, unrehearsed, raw and wonderful exchange, Jamie caught Bowen behind me, and I flipped around to grab him from her. It was so fast, but I still instinctively knew to be careful of the umbilical cord that was now loosely wrapped behind my leg, as I laid back into the tub with my new most precious gift on my chest. We carefully fished my leg back through the cord to free it, and let it continue to pulse until it was fully empty.

He was finally here. Born at 2:52am on March 19, 2017.

The girls all asked what his name was, and we told them "Bowen Woods" with giant smiles on our faces. I was finally sitting with this warm, squishy angel, and life suddenly made so much more sense. I didn't cry when Bowen was born. I'm not sure what that means. Maybe it means nothing. I just felt this overwhelming calm. Like, "Hey, there you are." And I kept saying, "Hi, Baby. Hi, my sweet baby."

After Matt cut the cord, I delivered the placenta without any complications. And despite what seemed like quite a bit of blood loss during the birth, Bowen's and my vitals looked just perfect. 

Once I was ready, I handed Bowen off to Matt for some Daddy snuggles, and Jamie and Sarah helped me out of my soiled sports bra, and back into my dry robe, and very attractive postpartum undergarment (read: diaper pad and mesh undies). Yes, you still wear those after a home birth ;-). We walked slowly back to bed, and got me all situated. Matt brought Bowen over so we could get his stats. A whopping 9 lbs even and 21 inches. I guess when you get an extra week to cook, you get lots of plumping done! Bowen latched perfectly, and started his first feed about 30 minutes after he was born. It was such a joy to breastfeed again, and also so surreal. What a blessing to have such a sweet second (or 4th) chance.

 

Once we were settled and comfortable, Jamie checked me, and discovered that I had had quite a bit of tearing. I wasn't all that surprised because I knew I had pushed probably a little harder than I needed to, since my body was doing a lot of the work, and Bowen's head wasn't exactly small (neither was the rest of him). Jamie stitched me up, after a little shot of local pain relief. The tearing made my recovery quite a bit more difficult, since there is a lot of extra care that has to be taken with each trip to the potty and such. The first week or so was not exactly fun, but we made it through.

Once Jamie, Sarah, and Ashley were all packed up, they headed home around 4am. 

Jamie left us with instructions to SLEEP as soon as Bowen took his first "big nap" (the long sleep most babies take within a couple hours of their birth). Matt obliged happily, but I was on a high, and could hardly take my eyes off of this new bundle in my arms.

I couldn't believe we finally had him with us. After all of that waiting... there he was.

This Space Between

In this space between growing life and bringing this child into the world, I'm taken by the mystery of it all.

I stopped this morning and looked around at all of the 'things' we've prepared for this little human, and just breathed in the silence and perfection of his last days & weeks inside of me.

There's this space between the Facebook pregnancy announcement, and the gender reveal, and the searching for a perfect name, and the time that my body will do what it was created to do, where I find myself in a state of peaceful anticipation.

This journey of carrying my boy is coming to an end, and there is a bitter sweetness to that.

In these last days together, he is all mine. His movements and rhythm are only known by me. I can sit in the busiest room, and no one but me is aware of his jabs and kicks. But soon I'll share him with the world.

And some days I feel ready for that, and others I'm not ready to give up this time when it's just the two of us.

This space between is filled with a teetering between angst and calm.
My body has become something that is out of my control. It knows exactly what to do to grow this child, and when my tears of frustration flow from the unknown, I will trust.

And when I feel myself losing the trust and patience I know belongs in me, I'll trust some more.

In this space between, I'll let myself get lost in the quietness. I'll marvel at the tiny things for him that are now a very real part of my world, and I'll imagine who he'll be.

I'll soon be looking back on these final weeks that seem to go on forever, and marvel at how quickly they passed. And I'll be holding my boy in my arms instead of in my belly.

So in this space between his little heart that started beating before I knew of him, and when my heart started beating for him, I just breathe. I breathe patience. Because this space between is so small, and so filled with the mysterious beginnings, and all of the wonder this new beginning will bring.

In this space, I'll sit with him while it's just the two of us, and trust him to choose his day.

A day when this world will have a new little voice to hear.

Gluten Free Cinnamon Sugar Donuts

As per usual with growing tiny humans, my pregnancy has made me crave some not-so-healthy things. I'm not sure what that's about, but being much more health conscious with this little #4, I do my best to make my cravings as "clean" as possible.

I woke up on Saturday morning pining for donuts, but remembered I had some fun donut pans I had only used once or twice, and KNEW I could find a recipe that would settle my craving without leaving me with a belly ache afterward.

(Here are the donut pans I have! Wilton Nonstick Donut Pans )

I was really pumped that I had ALL of the ingredients in my pantry, lol (that usually doesn't happen, know what I mean?)

Some of these ingredients might be new to you, but they have become total staples in my house. If you aren't sure where to find some of them, your local healthful store will definitely have them. But I've been really impressed by our local grocery store and even Target for starting to carry a lot of these!

All in all, these were a WIN with my family. Kids loved them, the flour I used made them super fluffy and cake-like (versus grainy like some gluten free baked goods can seem), and will definitely be made again! ENJOY!

INGREDIENTS

Doughnuts:

• 1/4 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup brown sugar (I used coconut palm sugar)
• 2 large eggs
• 1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 11 1/4 oz. (about 2 2/3 cups) all-purpose gluten-free flour (I used Bob's Red Mill gluten free flour)
• 1/2 tsp. xanthan gum (omit if your flour blend has xanthan gum already in it- Bob's Red Mill already has it)
• 1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/4 tsp. baking soda
• 3/4 tsp. to 1 tsp. ground nutmeg
• 2 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 3/4 tsp. salt
• 1 cup almond milk

Topping:

• 5 Tablespoons salted butter, melted
• 1 1/2 Tablespoons cinnamon
• 1/2 cup sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 425°. Spray mini doughnut pan with non-stick cooking oil spray.
2. In the bowl of your electric mixer, cream together the butter, oil, and sugars until smooth.
3. Add the eggs and vanilla, beating until smooth.
4. In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, xanthan gum, baking powder, baking soda, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt.
5. Alternate adding the flour mixture and the milk to the butter mixture, beginning and ending with the flour. Mix on low just until everything is thoroughly combined.
6. Scoop the batter into a gallon-size Ziploc bag and seal tightly. Use scissors to snip off a bottom corner. Squeeze the batter out of the opening into the cavities of the doughnut pan, filling until almost flush with the top of the cavities
7. Bake at 425° for 7 minutes or until they are a pale, golden brown, and a toothpick inserted in a doughnut comes out clean.
8. Remove from the oven and let cool in the pan for 2-3 minutes. Turn the pan over to turn doughnuts out onto a cooling rack.
9. Repeat with remaining batter, spraying pan again with cooking spray between batches. Makes 4 dozen.
10. While doughnuts are cooling, make the topping.

Topping:

1. Melt the butter in a small bowl.
2. In another small bowl, whisk together the cinnamon and sugar.
3. Take each cooled doughnut, dunk the top half in the butter, then in the cinnamon-sugar mixture to coat. Place on rack or tray to set. Enjoy!
4. These can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for 2-3 days.

We're... What?

Right when you think you've figured it all out, and have the next steps in life perfectly mapped... that's usually when it's just about to flip itself upside on you.

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At least that's been the track record during most of my 31 years.

I should know by now that thinking I've got it all figured out is just preparation for a massive life change.

When we came home from our perfect week away with the kids at my family's cabin in Wisconsin, it felt like just that- getting back to a routine that felt familiar and predictable (in the best way possible).

We had spend most of the Summer traveling, which had been wonderful therapy during a time of recovery after the very sudden passing of my younger brother.

Matt and I had our first week-long (non work-related) vacation together, sans children, on a cruise to Alaska with dear friends a couple weeks prior to our annual family Wisconsin trip. And it was the first time we felt like, 'Okay, this is life now. We're in that season of raising children where there's a bit of freedom and room for alone time.'

It felt really good to be there.

We had worked, and sacrificed for years to build our business, and create the HOME and lifestyle that we had visualized for so long.

We were ready to enjoy that.

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I wasn't paying much attention.

After my brother Cory's death, I knew stress and depression had taken a toll on my body. So when I was "late", I chalked it up to the fact that my body was just really thrown off.

There was NEVER a time that I thought, 'Could I be pregnant?'

Matt and I took precautions, and were ALWAYS careful, so in my mind there was just no way.

But after a couple weeks of traveling with an unopened box of tampons, and wondering what in the world was going on, I figured I should just take a test. I knew it would be negative (because again, there was NO way it was possible), but that it would just be confirmation to me that, in fact, my hormones were really off, and I should make an appointment with my naturopath to try to regulate my cycle.

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We got home from Wisconsin late on Sunday the 17th of July, and woke up the next morning to an empty fridge.

Matt was about to head out to the store to pick up eggs and some other essentials, and just as he was leaving I told him to pick up a pregnancy test too, just to rule it out. He rolled his eyes, fully reciprocating the same feelings I had that, because we were always cautious, there was no way.

When he got home, I grabbed a test and went to take it right away.

I looked away for a brief moment after taking the test, and when I looked back... it was already positive.

A lump in my throat immediately formed, and I called for Matt.

I couldn't get any words out, but just signaled him to look at the bold positive on that First Response.

I don't really remember any words being exchanged in those first moments, but I know that both of our faces showed the uncertainty that was suddenly very real in our lives.

I went to a chair at my kitchen table, and started to cry.

It was a mix of fear, shock, and if I'm being completely honest... a little sadness.

I had my life completely figured out. Our kids were older, and all in school. We were enjoying our sleep, our freedom, our simplicity, our routine... all of it. And then to suddenly have that all go out the window did honestly knock the wind out of me a little bit.

And not to mention the fear I felt about how my body would be capable of carrying a pregnancy now. Just shy of two years ago, I had undergone complete abdominal repair after three back-to-back pregnancies. Would my tummy even have the ability to STRETCH again after being pulled so tight?

I was terrified.

The whirlwind of emotions were quickly followed by a strong maternal instinct.

Was this baby okay? I've never NOT known I was pregnant right away, so how could I have missed this? And HOW far along was I even?

I couldn't remember the date of my last period, and kicked myself for not tracking better.

I got on the phone right away.

I called the OBGYN's office that I went to during my pregnancy with Q, and made an appointment immediately. And then I called my plastic surgeon's office for guidance and calming. (They were wonderful, by the way, and assured me that this happens more often than I'd believe. AND that my baby and I would be just fine).

Monday July 18th was a FULL, emotionally exhausting day, to say the least.

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I hardly slept during those next few days leading up to my first appointment.

I woke up EVERY night (day?) between 2 and 3am in full blown panic/anxiety attacks, and couldn't fall back to sleep until around 6am.

My heart had started welcoming this new little being in already, but my head was having a hard time wrapping itself around everything.

I worried for myself physically.

Pregnancy had proven to be pretty tough on my body in the past, and I wondered how I'd handle it this time.

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And then somehow all the weight from my shoulders went away when I saw that blinking little heart during my first ultrasound.

Surprise Baby C, at almost 7 weeks!

There he was. 

This perfect little blob of a baby growing just fine, despite my complete lack of awareness of his existence in my belly.

All the fear, and doubt, and uncertainty about what *I* thought was "supposed" to happen... disappeared.

Were we ready? NOPE. But I knew that this little one was here for a reason. 

He had already beat a lot of odds and statistics to be here, lol, so we knew this one must be a special one.

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I still have to laugh a little bit to myself about it all.

How we can be so set and certain, and then in one moment... life is changed.

This has been a year of change, this is for sure.

Cory's death taught me that life can be taken in the blink of an eye. That there isn't a second to spare here in this lifetime. 

And this little baby has taught me that not only do we not have a second to spare here, we also don't have a second to spare on fear of the unknown. 

Because what happens in this life, happens FOR US. And sometimes we have to spend a lifetime figuring out what those reasons are, but they're always there.

And mostly... that life can break your heart, and leave you in pieces. But that it can also renew you, and show you new meaning. Sometimes it's the next day, sometimes it's years, and sometimes it's almost exactly two months later (in my case). But the good is coming. There's always good again. 

I know this baby is here to show us that.

Here's to the start of a brand new journey, that we didn't plan and already love. ;-)

New to my blog? Hi, I'm Stephanie! 
I graduated high school with the sole plan of just getting out of town. I went to a junior college in Washington, and lived there for a year.
I came home, again with no real life plan, started a new junior college back home in Southern California.
I started dating my now husband at the age of 19.
I worked several jobs through my time in college, ranging from front desk salon receptionist, to corporate secretary, to nanny.
Before I really figured out what I wanted to do "when I grew up", I was engaged, whisked off to Cocoa Beach, Florida where my now husband was participating in his first season in the MLB.
Before I HAD to make anything happen on my own, I was living a fairy tale at the age of 22.
We traveled all year, I watched my man play major league baseball {his DREAM} all over the country, and then we returned home to have our fairy tale wedding that matched our fairy tale life.
By 23, I was a full fledged "baseball wife", living in a dream home on a golf course in Florida, and pregnant with our first baby, after just a month of marriage.
By 24, I was pregnant with our second child.
By 26, I had had our 3rd baby in just 36 months, had given up our dream home back to the bank, we had moved back West to be closer to family, and my husband's dream of playing baseball after 10 professional year, was coming to an end.

Everything felt unrecognizable.
It felt like we had just dreamed everything, and yet there we were with three little babies to take care of, and NO idea how to do it.

Matt took a coaching job out of state, and I got creative.

I was the LEAST qualified to do ANYTHING remotely "great".
The girl who had fumbled through three different junior colleges, not one degree, no professional training or certifications of any kind, and NOTHING to put on a resume, I was the most under qualified for entrepreneurship of anyone I can think of.

But I felt a fire.
And I had no other options, and to me… this was life or death.
My husband had provided such a beautiful life for us, and it was my turn to take care of us.
I didn't know HOW to do any of this, but I was tired enough of wondering how we were going to pay our rent, and just crossing my fingers that my debit card would work while I was checking out at the grocery store.
And that's when I decided to just TRY, and figure it out along the way.

I was judged. I was mocked. Made fun of behind my back. Choosing a path that isn't traditional is often followed by those types of things.
I heard the word NO a thousand times, and found out who my real friends were.

And I would go through ALL of it a hundred more times, for the rest of my life, just to feel the CONTENTMENT in my soul that I feel today.
I thought I needed certain things to be happy. I thought we'd never survive after my husband's dream ended.
But now I know that when one dream ends, there's quite a few other dreams that you haven't even dreamed yet wink emoticon

This little family overcame TOGETHER. We took that perspective change that God knew we would be bettered from, and embraced it.

I had no idea what I was capable of until I was left with no other options. And I say it all the time, but if I can do it… literally ANY one can do it.
You just have to feel that fire, because when your WHY is big enough, you can endure any HOW.

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If you're feeling that fire too, I've made it my PROFESSION to show others how to overcome just like me. Does it take some work? SURE. But it's the kind of work that doesn't feel like actual work because it fills your heart up so full, you're pretty sure you're the luckiest person on the face of the planet. heart emoticon

I'm currently taking applications for people who would like to work side by side me, and learn the ropes on how I turned working out from home just for fun, into a full blown, 6 figure annual career.

Apply here --->
http://goo.gl/forms/3OSeKYqJDW

Shine On, Moms.

From the time I was a little girl, I knew that becoming a mom was it. That was truly my ultimate life goal. I struggled to find a career choice I loved because I wasn't sure of anything like I was sure about motherhood. That's a good solid way to find out which of your college boyfriends were serious ;-) Tell them you just want to have some babies and raise them up, and you'll definitely weed out the weak ones pretty quickly.

I started dating my husband at the ripe old age of 19, and I knew he'd be the father of my kids right away. People thought we were crazy, I'm certain. But when you know, you just know, no matter how old (or young) you are. We made it one month into married life before our daughter was on her way, and I could hardly grasp the depth of that blessing. My ultimate dream was coming true right before my eyes.

I believe you're a mother as soon as a baby starts forming inside of you. Our bodies do the most precious work I could ever think of. So selfless and effortless. Like it's just waiting forever to grow that first human. So my first Mother's Day fell in my 4th month of my pregnancy. Every bit of my energy and identity became that growing girl inside of me, and I was sure with every ounce of me that that was  how it should be.

Something happens when you see that baby's face for the first time. Your reason for existing changes in that very instant, and life is never the same. Not just because that tiny little creature prevents any kind of normalcy with the schedule you once knew, but because you've never loved anything quite so deep. You've never known what it felt like to just look at someone you just met and feel an aching pain in your heart because you couldn't imagine life before your eyes saw that face for the first time. You've never known that, without a shadow of a doubt, you'd give your life for someone. Or kill for someone. You've never sacrificed like that before, and you've never been so grateful for the overflow of emotions of it all. And you've never had something so precious and powerful to fight for.

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I didn't picture my life turning into the one it's turned into.

When Matt and I first got married, I was very certain about where our lives were going. He would have at least a 10 year Major League baseball career, and retire when he was ready. I'd be the doting wife and mother, who followed along merrily, and then we'd live in a big beautiful house, without a care in the world.

But that's not how it happened, because life isn't supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be messy, and it's supposed to test you, and then you're supposed to come out on the other end a little tougher and smarter than you were before.

And what's funny is that I am SO GLAD that nothing worked out as we had planned. Because of things NOT happening the way I had imagined, I got to see what I was made of. I wouldn't have known who I really was. That person inside of me that I hadn't met before, who was willing to do whatever it took to take care of her family.

I realized how much I really kind of liked her.

Somebody once told me, "I could never do what you do. I just couldn't take time away from my kids like that." What? My stomach turned a little bit, and I wanted to scream at that person, and tell them that they'd clearly never seen rock bottom. Never had to fight for their lives for something that scared the hell out of them, but also made them feel really alive all at once.

See, my children weren't sent to me to be my identity, but to give me reason to find my own.

I know that now. And I owe that to my children. 

Had they not been sent to me, I would have never known that I was brave. For them.

To my children. You're my reason, and my fight. Thank you for teaching me that it's okay to want more, and to shine a little bit for you. 

Shine on, Moms. Don't be afraid.

Is This Real Life?

I know most of you started following this blog of mine back in The Fall when I first "came out" about my surgery that I was planning. It was a nerve-wracking time for me, since I felt like my whole life was going to be changing. And it was! In SO many ways. It felt like the clouds parted, and I could just breathe again. It's felt like SUCH a long process since December 12th 2014, but at the same time… it kinda flew by! I feel so good, and will blog all about my progress this week!

But there's something else I have to talk about too.

It's the ENTIRE reason I was even ABLE to make that huge transition in my life possible.

If you follow me on social media, then you probably hear me talk a lot about coaching, and all of the things I love about it. It's changed everything for my family and me.

But social media is funny. People talk about how "AMAZING" things are all the time, and it CAN be a lot of smoke and mirrors.

I personally like PROOF. EVIDENCE that things are legitimate, and are what someone says they are. So in the name of TRUTH, I'm going to get wayyyy out of my comfort zone.

{The last time I posted anything like this was on my Facebook page, and it was met with incredible support, BUT I still felt weird about it. SO on the blog it will go} :-)

I'm not sure what your reaction to that photo is. I'm not even sure if I know what MY reaction to it is.

THREE years ago, the phone stopped ringing with opportunities for my professional baseball player husband. We had just had our 3rd child in a 3 year span of time a couple months earlier, and had just moved across the country from Florida to Arizona. We had a massive mortgage payment for our home in Florida that wouldn't sell {thank you, recession}, a rent to pay for the condo we were living in, and ZERO income. We started to tap into our life savings, and even our 401k. It was a VERY scary time for us.

TWO years ago, I was just months into this new "coaching thing" that I was still not fully understanding, but saw my friend find some success with it, so I thought… why not? I was making pennies at this point, but something in me was coming alive. I had fallen in love with fitness, was actually ENCOURAGED to grow personally {and DID!}, and was meeting people who actually GOT ME. I never knew friends like these, a community like this, and so… I was hooked.

ONE year ago, I had just become a "6 figure earner" within Beachbody, which is when a coach starts to earn $2,000 WEEKLY {we get paid every Thursday}. My team and I had just wrapped up the year as an ELITE team, which means as a group, we helped A LOT of people get fit and healthy, AND start coaching businesses of their own. Last Summer, we also were able to take our VERY FIRST family vacation together. And after a couple years of COMPLETE rebuilding… that was a treat I'll never forget. Our oldest daughter also started ballet lessons for the first time, I could SHOP again a little bit {lol}, and we were paying down debt, and paying our savings accounts back for all the depletion we can caused.

TODAY, my WEEKLY income is what my MONTHLY income was one year ago. {WHAT?!?!}, we are saving MACHINES, will be buying a HOME within the next couple of months, our son is going to play his first season of t-ball, we'll TRAVEL as a family, and most of all… we'll live FREELY to do whatever it is we feel in our hearts we want to do.

Some people look at money as "material", and that's true, that it buys THINGS. But it can also buy precious experiences and memories, and also {and maybe most importantly} PEACE OF MIND. We no longer have to go to bed stressed, bickering, and tense because of our financial issues. Our children will know what it's like to have a HOME that is theirs, where they can pick the color paint on their walls. They'll have a backyard that's safe to play in, and a neighborhood they can grow up in. Money isn't just material… it's freedom.

Before you jump to the conclusion that this is "too good to be true"… listen to that little whisper in your heart telling you that this would be just as life changing for you as is has been for me.

And if you hear that little whisper too, take my advice and don't wait 8 months to say YES like I did ;-)
You can apply HERE for more information. <3