This Space Between

In this space between growing life and bringing this child into the world, I'm taken by the mystery of it all.

I stopped this morning and looked around at all of the 'things' we've prepared for this little human, and just breathed in the silence and perfection of his last days & weeks inside of me.

There's this space between the Facebook pregnancy announcement, and the gender reveal, and the searching for a perfect name, and the time that my body will do what it was created to do, where I find myself in a state of peaceful anticipation.

This journey of carrying my boy is coming to an end, and there is a bitter sweetness to that.

In these last days together, he is all mine. His movements and rhythm are only known by me. I can sit in the busiest room, and no one but me is aware of his jabs and kicks. But soon I'll share him with the world.

And some days I feel ready for that, and others I'm not ready to give up this time when it's just the two of us.

This space between is filled with a teetering between angst and calm.
My body has become something that is out of my control. It knows exactly what to do to grow this child, and when my tears of frustration flow from the unknown, I will trust.

And when I feel myself losing the trust and patience I know belongs in me, I'll trust some more.

In this space between, I'll let myself get lost in the quietness. I'll marvel at the tiny things for him that are now a very real part of my world, and I'll imagine who he'll be.

I'll soon be looking back on these final weeks that seem to go on forever, and marvel at how quickly they passed. And I'll be holding my boy in my arms instead of in my belly.

So in this space between his little heart that started beating before I knew of him, and when my heart started beating for him, I just breathe. I breathe patience. Because this space between is so small, and so filled with the mysterious beginnings, and all of the wonder this new beginning will bring.

In this space, I'll sit with him while it's just the two of us, and trust him to choose his day.

A day when this world will have a new little voice to hear.

Gluten Free Cinnamon Sugar Donuts

As per usual with growing tiny humans, my pregnancy has made me crave some not-so-healthy things. I'm not sure what that's about, but being much more health conscious with this little #4, I do my best to make my cravings as "clean" as possible.

I woke up on Saturday morning pining for donuts, but remembered I had some fun donut pans I had only used once or twice, and KNEW I could find a recipe that would settle my craving without leaving me with a belly ache afterward.

(Here are the donut pans I have! Wilton Nonstick Donut Pans )

I was really pumped that I had ALL of the ingredients in my pantry, lol (that usually doesn't happen, know what I mean?)

Some of these ingredients might be new to you, but they have become total staples in my house. If you aren't sure where to find some of them, your local healthful store will definitely have them. But I've been really impressed by our local grocery store and even Target for starting to carry a lot of these!

All in all, these were a WIN with my family. Kids loved them, the flour I used made them super fluffy and cake-like (versus grainy like some gluten free baked goods can seem), and will definitely be made again! ENJOY!

INGREDIENTS

Doughnuts:

• 1/4 cup unsalted butter, room temperature
• 1/4 cup coconut oil
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/3 cup brown sugar (I used coconut palm sugar)
• 2 large eggs
• 1 1/2 tsp. vanilla
• 11 1/4 oz. (about 2 2/3 cups) all-purpose gluten-free flour (I used Bob's Red Mill gluten free flour)
• 1/2 tsp. xanthan gum (omit if your flour blend has xanthan gum already in it- Bob's Red Mill already has it)
• 1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
• 1/4 tsp. baking soda
• 3/4 tsp. to 1 tsp. ground nutmeg
• 2 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 3/4 tsp. salt
• 1 cup almond milk

Topping:

• 5 Tablespoons salted butter, melted
• 1 1/2 Tablespoons cinnamon
• 1/2 cup sugar

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 425°. Spray mini doughnut pan with non-stick cooking oil spray.
2. In the bowl of your electric mixer, cream together the butter, oil, and sugars until smooth.
3. Add the eggs and vanilla, beating until smooth.
4. In a small bowl, whisk together the flour, xanthan gum, baking powder, baking soda, nutmeg, cinnamon, and salt.
5. Alternate adding the flour mixture and the milk to the butter mixture, beginning and ending with the flour. Mix on low just until everything is thoroughly combined.
6. Scoop the batter into a gallon-size Ziploc bag and seal tightly. Use scissors to snip off a bottom corner. Squeeze the batter out of the opening into the cavities of the doughnut pan, filling until almost flush with the top of the cavities
7. Bake at 425° for 7 minutes or until they are a pale, golden brown, and a toothpick inserted in a doughnut comes out clean.
8. Remove from the oven and let cool in the pan for 2-3 minutes. Turn the pan over to turn doughnuts out onto a cooling rack.
9. Repeat with remaining batter, spraying pan again with cooking spray between batches. Makes 4 dozen.
10. While doughnuts are cooling, make the topping.

Topping:

1. Melt the butter in a small bowl.
2. In another small bowl, whisk together the cinnamon and sugar.
3. Take each cooled doughnut, dunk the top half in the butter, then in the cinnamon-sugar mixture to coat. Place on rack or tray to set. Enjoy!
4. These can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for 2-3 days.

We're... What?

Right when you think you've figured it all out, and have the next steps in life perfectly mapped... that's usually when it's just about to flip itself upside on you.

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At least that's been the track record during most of my 31 years.

I should know by now that thinking I've got it all figured out is just preparation for a massive life change.

When we came home from our perfect week away with the kids at my family's cabin in Wisconsin, it felt like just that- getting back to a routine that felt familiar and predictable (in the best way possible).

We had spend most of the Summer traveling, which had been wonderful therapy during a time of recovery after the very sudden passing of my younger brother.

Matt and I had our first week-long (non work-related) vacation together, sans children, on a cruise to Alaska with dear friends a couple weeks prior to our annual family Wisconsin trip. And it was the first time we felt like, 'Okay, this is life now. We're in that season of raising children where there's a bit of freedom and room for alone time.'

It felt really good to be there.

We had worked, and sacrificed for years to build our business, and create the HOME and lifestyle that we had visualized for so long.

We were ready to enjoy that.

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I wasn't paying much attention.

After my brother Cory's death, I knew stress and depression had taken a toll on my body. So when I was "late", I chalked it up to the fact that my body was just really thrown off.

There was NEVER a time that I thought, 'Could I be pregnant?'

Matt and I took precautions, and were ALWAYS careful, so in my mind there was just no way.

But after a couple weeks of traveling with an unopened box of tampons, and wondering what in the world was going on, I figured I should just take a test. I knew it would be negative (because again, there was NO way it was possible), but that it would just be confirmation to me that, in fact, my hormones were really off, and I should make an appointment with my naturopath to try to regulate my cycle.

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We got home from Wisconsin late on Sunday the 17th of July, and woke up the next morning to an empty fridge.

Matt was about to head out to the store to pick up eggs and some other essentials, and just as he was leaving I told him to pick up a pregnancy test too, just to rule it out. He rolled his eyes, fully reciprocating the same feelings I had that, because we were always cautious, there was no way.

When he got home, I grabbed a test and went to take it right away.

I looked away for a brief moment after taking the test, and when I looked back... it was already positive.

A lump in my throat immediately formed, and I called for Matt.

I couldn't get any words out, but just signaled him to look at the bold positive on that First Response.

I don't really remember any words being exchanged in those first moments, but I know that both of our faces showed the uncertainty that was suddenly very real in our lives.

I went to a chair at my kitchen table, and started to cry.

It was a mix of fear, shock, and if I'm being completely honest... a little sadness.

I had my life completely figured out. Our kids were older, and all in school. We were enjoying our sleep, our freedom, our simplicity, our routine... all of it. And then to suddenly have that all go out the window did honestly knock the wind out of me a little bit.

And not to mention the fear I felt about how my body would be capable of carrying a pregnancy now. Just shy of two years ago, I had undergone complete abdominal repair after three back-to-back pregnancies. Would my tummy even have the ability to STRETCH again after being pulled so tight?

I was terrified.

The whirlwind of emotions were quickly followed by a strong maternal instinct.

Was this baby okay? I've never NOT known I was pregnant right away, so how could I have missed this? And HOW far along was I even?

I couldn't remember the date of my last period, and kicked myself for not tracking better.

I got on the phone right away.

I called the OBGYN's office that I went to during my pregnancy with Q, and made an appointment immediately. And then I called my plastic surgeon's office for guidance and calming. (They were wonderful, by the way, and assured me that this happens more often than I'd believe. AND that my baby and I would be just fine).

Monday July 18th was a FULL, emotionally exhausting day, to say the least.

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I hardly slept during those next few days leading up to my first appointment.

I woke up EVERY night (day?) between 2 and 3am in full blown panic/anxiety attacks, and couldn't fall back to sleep until around 6am.

My heart had started welcoming this new little being in already, but my head was having a hard time wrapping itself around everything.

I worried for myself physically.

Pregnancy had proven to be pretty tough on my body in the past, and I wondered how I'd handle it this time.

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And then somehow all the weight from my shoulders went away when I saw that blinking little heart during my first ultrasound.

Surprise Baby C, at almost 7 weeks!

There he was. 

This perfect little blob of a baby growing just fine, despite my complete lack of awareness of his existence in my belly.

All the fear, and doubt, and uncertainty about what *I* thought was "supposed" to happen... disappeared.

Were we ready? NOPE. But I knew that this little one was here for a reason. 

He had already beat a lot of odds and statistics to be here, lol, so we knew this one must be a special one.

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I still have to laugh a little bit to myself about it all.

How we can be so set and certain, and then in one moment... life is changed.

This has been a year of change, this is for sure.

Cory's death taught me that life can be taken in the blink of an eye. That there isn't a second to spare here in this lifetime. 

And this little baby has taught me that not only do we not have a second to spare here, we also don't have a second to spare on fear of the unknown. 

Because what happens in this life, happens FOR US. And sometimes we have to spend a lifetime figuring out what those reasons are, but they're always there.

And mostly... that life can break your heart, and leave you in pieces. But that it can also renew you, and show you new meaning. Sometimes it's the next day, sometimes it's years, and sometimes it's almost exactly two months later (in my case). But the good is coming. There's always good again. 

I know this baby is here to show us that.

Here's to the start of a brand new journey, that we didn't plan and already love. ;-)

New to my blog? Hi, I'm Stephanie! 
I graduated high school with the sole plan of just getting out of town. I went to a junior college in Washington, and lived there for a year.
I came home, again with no real life plan, started a new junior college back home in Southern California.
I started dating my now husband at the age of 19.
I worked several jobs through my time in college, ranging from front desk salon receptionist, to corporate secretary, to nanny.
Before I really figured out what I wanted to do "when I grew up", I was engaged, whisked off to Cocoa Beach, Florida where my now husband was participating in his first season in the MLB.
Before I HAD to make anything happen on my own, I was living a fairy tale at the age of 22.
We traveled all year, I watched my man play major league baseball {his DREAM} all over the country, and then we returned home to have our fairy tale wedding that matched our fairy tale life.
By 23, I was a full fledged "baseball wife", living in a dream home on a golf course in Florida, and pregnant with our first baby, after just a month of marriage.
By 24, I was pregnant with our second child.
By 26, I had had our 3rd baby in just 36 months, had given up our dream home back to the bank, we had moved back West to be closer to family, and my husband's dream of playing baseball after 10 professional year, was coming to an end.

Everything felt unrecognizable.
It felt like we had just dreamed everything, and yet there we were with three little babies to take care of, and NO idea how to do it.

Matt took a coaching job out of state, and I got creative.

I was the LEAST qualified to do ANYTHING remotely "great".
The girl who had fumbled through three different junior colleges, not one degree, no professional training or certifications of any kind, and NOTHING to put on a resume, I was the most under qualified for entrepreneurship of anyone I can think of.

But I felt a fire.
And I had no other options, and to me… this was life or death.
My husband had provided such a beautiful life for us, and it was my turn to take care of us.
I didn't know HOW to do any of this, but I was tired enough of wondering how we were going to pay our rent, and just crossing my fingers that my debit card would work while I was checking out at the grocery store.
And that's when I decided to just TRY, and figure it out along the way.

I was judged. I was mocked. Made fun of behind my back. Choosing a path that isn't traditional is often followed by those types of things.
I heard the word NO a thousand times, and found out who my real friends were.

And I would go through ALL of it a hundred more times, for the rest of my life, just to feel the CONTENTMENT in my soul that I feel today.
I thought I needed certain things to be happy. I thought we'd never survive after my husband's dream ended.
But now I know that when one dream ends, there's quite a few other dreams that you haven't even dreamed yet wink emoticon

This little family overcame TOGETHER. We took that perspective change that God knew we would be bettered from, and embraced it.

I had no idea what I was capable of until I was left with no other options. And I say it all the time, but if I can do it… literally ANY one can do it.
You just have to feel that fire, because when your WHY is big enough, you can endure any HOW.

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If you're feeling that fire too, I've made it my PROFESSION to show others how to overcome just like me. Does it take some work? SURE. But it's the kind of work that doesn't feel like actual work because it fills your heart up so full, you're pretty sure you're the luckiest person on the face of the planet. heart emoticon

I'm currently taking applications for people who would like to work side by side me, and learn the ropes on how I turned working out from home just for fun, into a full blown, 6 figure annual career.

Apply here --->
http://goo.gl/forms/3OSeKYqJDW

Shine On, Moms.

From the time I was a little girl, I knew that becoming a mom was it. That was truly my ultimate life goal. I struggled to find a career choice I loved because I wasn't sure of anything like I was sure about motherhood. That's a good solid way to find out which of your college boyfriends were serious ;-) Tell them you just want to have some babies and raise them up, and you'll definitely weed out the weak ones pretty quickly.

I started dating my husband at the ripe old age of 19, and I knew he'd be the father of my kids right away. People thought we were crazy, I'm certain. But when you know, you just know, no matter how old (or young) you are. We made it one month into married life before our daughter was on her way, and I could hardly grasp the depth of that blessing. My ultimate dream was coming true right before my eyes.

I believe you're a mother as soon as a baby starts forming inside of you. Our bodies do the most precious work I could ever think of. So selfless and effortless. Like it's just waiting forever to grow that first human. So my first Mother's Day fell in my 4th month of my pregnancy. Every bit of my energy and identity became that growing girl inside of me, and I was sure with every ounce of me that that was  how it should be.

Something happens when you see that baby's face for the first time. Your reason for existing changes in that very instant, and life is never the same. Not just because that tiny little creature prevents any kind of normalcy with the schedule you once knew, but because you've never loved anything quite so deep. You've never known what it felt like to just look at someone you just met and feel an aching pain in your heart because you couldn't imagine life before your eyes saw that face for the first time. You've never known that, without a shadow of a doubt, you'd give your life for someone. Or kill for someone. You've never sacrificed like that before, and you've never been so grateful for the overflow of emotions of it all. And you've never had something so precious and powerful to fight for.

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I didn't picture my life turning into the one it's turned into.

When Matt and I first got married, I was very certain about where our lives were going. He would have at least a 10 year Major League baseball career, and retire when he was ready. I'd be the doting wife and mother, who followed along merrily, and then we'd live in a big beautiful house, without a care in the world.

But that's not how it happened, because life isn't supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be messy, and it's supposed to test you, and then you're supposed to come out on the other end a little tougher and smarter than you were before.

And what's funny is that I am SO GLAD that nothing worked out as we had planned. Because of things NOT happening the way I had imagined, I got to see what I was made of. I wouldn't have known who I really was. That person inside of me that I hadn't met before, who was willing to do whatever it took to take care of her family.

I realized how much I really kind of liked her.

Somebody once told me, "I could never do what you do. I just couldn't take time away from my kids like that." What? My stomach turned a little bit, and I wanted to scream at that person, and tell them that they'd clearly never seen rock bottom. Never had to fight for their lives for something that scared the hell out of them, but also made them feel really alive all at once.

See, my children weren't sent to me to be my identity, but to give me reason to find my own.

I know that now. And I owe that to my children. 

Had they not been sent to me, I would have never known that I was brave. For them.

To my children. You're my reason, and my fight. Thank you for teaching me that it's okay to want more, and to shine a little bit for you. 

Shine on, Moms. Don't be afraid.

Is This Real Life?

I know most of you started following this blog of mine back in The Fall when I first "came out" about my surgery that I was planning. It was a nerve-wracking time for me, since I felt like my whole life was going to be changing. And it was! In SO many ways. It felt like the clouds parted, and I could just breathe again. It's felt like SUCH a long process since December 12th 2014, but at the same time… it kinda flew by! I feel so good, and will blog all about my progress this week!

But there's something else I have to talk about too.

It's the ENTIRE reason I was even ABLE to make that huge transition in my life possible.

If you follow me on social media, then you probably hear me talk a lot about coaching, and all of the things I love about it. It's changed everything for my family and me.

But social media is funny. People talk about how "AMAZING" things are all the time, and it CAN be a lot of smoke and mirrors.

I personally like PROOF. EVIDENCE that things are legitimate, and are what someone says they are. So in the name of TRUTH, I'm going to get wayyyy out of my comfort zone.

{The last time I posted anything like this was on my Facebook page, and it was met with incredible support, BUT I still felt weird about it. SO on the blog it will go} :-)

I'm not sure what your reaction to that photo is. I'm not even sure if I know what MY reaction to it is.

THREE years ago, the phone stopped ringing with opportunities for my professional baseball player husband. We had just had our 3rd child in a 3 year span of time a couple months earlier, and had just moved across the country from Florida to Arizona. We had a massive mortgage payment for our home in Florida that wouldn't sell {thank you, recession}, a rent to pay for the condo we were living in, and ZERO income. We started to tap into our life savings, and even our 401k. It was a VERY scary time for us.

TWO years ago, I was just months into this new "coaching thing" that I was still not fully understanding, but saw my friend find some success with it, so I thought… why not? I was making pennies at this point, but something in me was coming alive. I had fallen in love with fitness, was actually ENCOURAGED to grow personally {and DID!}, and was meeting people who actually GOT ME. I never knew friends like these, a community like this, and so… I was hooked.

ONE year ago, I had just become a "6 figure earner" within Beachbody, which is when a coach starts to earn $2,000 WEEKLY {we get paid every Thursday}. My team and I had just wrapped up the year as an ELITE team, which means as a group, we helped A LOT of people get fit and healthy, AND start coaching businesses of their own. Last Summer, we also were able to take our VERY FIRST family vacation together. And after a couple years of COMPLETE rebuilding… that was a treat I'll never forget. Our oldest daughter also started ballet lessons for the first time, I could SHOP again a little bit {lol}, and we were paying down debt, and paying our savings accounts back for all the depletion we can caused.

TODAY, my WEEKLY income is what my MONTHLY income was one year ago. {WHAT?!?!}, we are saving MACHINES, will be buying a HOME within the next couple of months, our son is going to play his first season of t-ball, we'll TRAVEL as a family, and most of all… we'll live FREELY to do whatever it is we feel in our hearts we want to do.

Some people look at money as "material", and that's true, that it buys THINGS. But it can also buy precious experiences and memories, and also {and maybe most importantly} PEACE OF MIND. We no longer have to go to bed stressed, bickering, and tense because of our financial issues. Our children will know what it's like to have a HOME that is theirs, where they can pick the color paint on their walls. They'll have a backyard that's safe to play in, and a neighborhood they can grow up in. Money isn't just material… it's freedom.

Before you jump to the conclusion that this is "too good to be true"… listen to that little whisper in your heart telling you that this would be just as life changing for you as is has been for me.

And if you hear that little whisper too, take my advice and don't wait 8 months to say YES like I did ;-)
You can apply HERE for more information. <3

Spiralize All The Things

Have you heard of these interesting little contraptions that allow you stick a vegetable in them, and turn them into VEGETABLE PASTA? I know, I know, who would've ever thought of something so clever. Actually, I think I'm really late to the party on this one. My friends have been talking about "zoodles" forever now, and since I don't do a TON of the cooking anymore (Hubs has taken on most of that since my business really took off), I didn't jump right on board because I figured this was something I'd have to slave the day away to achieve NOODLES MADE OF VEGETABLES.

But thankfully, I stumbled upon one of these Veggetti things at Target the other day, and decided I needed to woman up and give it a shot. I loaded us up on some fresh zucchini, ground turkey, and some organic pasta sauce, and was off to the races.

And here's my findings:

This thing is friggin' genius.

SO SIMPLE, SO FILLING, SO GUILT-FREE, AND ZERO "PASTA BLOAT".

Here's what I did…

• Spiralize 1 large zucchini
• Brown your ground meat (I prefer to use organic ground turkey)
• Heat a couple TBSP olive oil in a separate pan, while meat is browning
• Dump spiralized zucchini (aka "Zoodles". Get it?) into heated olive oil
• I seasoned my zoodles with some ground black pepper, a little pink himalayan salt, and some garlic powder, while they were sautéing 
• Once zoodles were cooked through, and took on a "soft" appearance (cook to taste), I pulled them off the burner
• Dump your pasta sauce into your browned ground meat
• Serve yourself up your hot zoodles with some quick and easy meat sauce on top, and even sprinkle with a little parmesan!

Obviously, you can go above and beyond what I did, and make your homemade pasta sauce from scratch, BUT when you're in a pinch for a quick and healthy meal, THIS was the jam.

I even made you a video!