Embracing The Process

I know I just blogged a few days ago, but can barely remember that time. It seems like a lifetime ago because SO much healing has happened in such a short amount of time.

I'm 9 days post-op now. I remember reading other blogs, and following women on Instagram who had has my same surgery who were 9 days post-op, and I remember wishing I could fast forward to that time. They looked pain-free, and so happy. I wanted to be there. Little did I know that that first full week would fly by in the blink of an eye. I can't BELIEVE it's been more than a week, and I'm just praising the Lord, and thanking the Universe that I am here. I'm healthy, I'm happy, my body is strong, and every day gets better and better.

It's actually been a really emotional week. I'm sure part of it comes from how hard my body is working to heal, so I'm more tired than usual, and also maybe a little mix of pain meds and hormones, lol. But also, I just can't stop being so grateful for this. I look in the mirror and can't even believe what I see. Yes, there is still SO much swelling, some pain, a lot of bruising, and I am still not standing fully upright (that's the hardest part right now, and causes some intense back pain), but mostly, I see a new me. When I think about it I cry. I cry a lot really.

I related all of this the other day, in my head, to my personal fitness journey. I remember reaching that goal weight after fighting SO HARD during my weight loss for that goal, and then getting there, and just basking. It feels like that. And so I'm just basking. I'm basking in what my body has been capable of, beyond what I SEE, it's what I FEEL.

I became a wife on 1/5/08, and began living my life for my husband. I became a mother on 10/20/08, and pledged my life to caring for my children and family. And then on 12/12/14, I regained a part of ME again that has been lost a little bit along the way.

It's hard to explain because I know not everyone can relate. Not everyone carries around scars that remind them of what they CAN'T be/do. But when you finally just don't have to carry it around anymore, it's like you're free.

I'm already getting a little squirmy about not being able to workout for quite some time. But there's still just so much healing that has to happen before that can begin again. In the meantime, I'm really excited to start following the nutrition plan that came with my husband's BRAND NEW workout program called Insanity Max: 30. I know that that is still something I have control of, and I am so looking forward to going through that with him!

It's funny because I've been asked so many times how I ever found the courage to share my post-baby body so openly on social media. Like I've mentioned before, it's not like it was ever really my intention. To me, it was something I wanted to hide, and always planned on doing that. But I found these waves of bravery here and there, and so there it was. My wrinkly tummy for the whole world to see. And now here I am with this tiny, flat tummy (albeit still with countless "wounds" that need to heal) that I'm TERRIFIED to share with you all!? How does that even make sense. But this blog is to document, and will one day be something that I come back to for memory, so I will drum up one of those bravery waves, and just go for it…

My first couple days were so sketchy that I literally barely got off the couch, other than having to use the restroom. Days 2&3, the pain was its worst, and I found myself near tears a few times just from the helplessness of not being able to escape the pain. But I powered through (Percocet helped ;-) )

After a few days, I was wanting to get more curious about what everything looked like, especially as I sponge bathed myself (since an actual shower couldn't happen until my drains came out at 7 days post-op). And here is some of my progress:

Bruising going down day by day. Drains still in on day 4, and were removed on day 7. Stitches in my belly button will be removed on Tuesday 12/23, which will take away from the dark appearance of my belly button :-) And yes, my incision hides perfectly under my low cut panties, and demonstrating the position of the incision is the ONLY reason you are seeing my panties! ;-)

EVERYTHING is swollen. My sides, my boobs, my lower belly, just everything. I wear a girdle-type thing that helps me to feel a little more "held in", but I will not miss it when I don't need to wear it anymore. Today was the first day I wasn't feeling actual PAIN, but I kept telling Matt I felt like I got beat up, or like kicked in the ribs or something. And lo and behold:

So much bruising! You can also tell how my posture has improved just slightly in the past couple of days, but that I'm still pretty hunched. AND that swelling, man. But I keep imagining how great it's all going to look when the swelling is gone, if it's already looking so awesome!

Dr. S said my surgery "kicked his ass", haha. We ended up being in there for about 6 hours, and he had the hardest time with my breasts. Because I've been such an active person for such a long while now, my pectoral muscle had basically forced the original implants I had, to fall SO far down, that they were just hanging by my thin skin. There was no "pocket" left for them, which explains my intense back, neck, and shoulder pain for all those years. He kept telling me ahead of time that he wasn't sure if I would have very much excess skin to remove from my breasts, and I kept telling him that I had a feeling he'd be surprised. And sure enough, there was A LOT. He had A LOT of corrective work to do, and did a brilliant job. 

 Here I am at my 7 days post-op appointment, with my 7 days dirty hair hiding under a beanie, lol.

Leaving that appointment without my drains and my "fannie pack" (aka pain pump that runs out after only 3 days, that I hated SO much) was the biggest weight lifted, aside from the surgery itself. I would do it all again next week if I had to. There is still SO much recovering to do, and yes, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat knowing how amazing I feel right now. I've cried to Matt a number of times this week just because of how happy I feel. I can't believe this is all real. I can't believe it.