Shine On, Moms.

From the time I was a little girl, I knew that becoming a mom was it. That was truly my ultimate life goal. I struggled to find a career choice I loved because I wasn't sure of anything like I was sure about motherhood. That's a good solid way to find out which of your college boyfriends were serious ;-) Tell them you just want to have some babies and raise them up, and you'll definitely weed out the weak ones pretty quickly.

I started dating my husband at the ripe old age of 19, and I knew he'd be the father of my kids right away. People thought we were crazy, I'm certain. But when you know, you just know, no matter how old (or young) you are. We made it one month into married life before our daughter was on her way, and I could hardly grasp the depth of that blessing. My ultimate dream was coming true right before my eyes.

I believe you're a mother as soon as a baby starts forming inside of you. Our bodies do the most precious work I could ever think of. So selfless and effortless. Like it's just waiting forever to grow that first human. So my first Mother's Day fell in my 4th month of my pregnancy. Every bit of my energy and identity became that growing girl inside of me, and I was sure with every ounce of me that that was  how it should be.

Something happens when you see that baby's face for the first time. Your reason for existing changes in that very instant, and life is never the same. Not just because that tiny little creature prevents any kind of normalcy with the schedule you once knew, but because you've never loved anything quite so deep. You've never known what it felt like to just look at someone you just met and feel an aching pain in your heart because you couldn't imagine life before your eyes saw that face for the first time. You've never known that, without a shadow of a doubt, you'd give your life for someone. Or kill for someone. You've never sacrificed like that before, and you've never been so grateful for the overflow of emotions of it all. And you've never had something so precious and powerful to fight for.

-------------------------------------------------

I didn't picture my life turning into the one it's turned into.

When Matt and I first got married, I was very certain about where our lives were going. He would have at least a 10 year Major League baseball career, and retire when he was ready. I'd be the doting wife and mother, who followed along merrily, and then we'd live in a big beautiful house, without a care in the world.

But that's not how it happened, because life isn't supposed to be perfect. It's supposed to be messy, and it's supposed to test you, and then you're supposed to come out on the other end a little tougher and smarter than you were before.

And what's funny is that I am SO GLAD that nothing worked out as we had planned. Because of things NOT happening the way I had imagined, I got to see what I was made of. I wouldn't have known who I really was. That person inside of me that I hadn't met before, who was willing to do whatever it took to take care of her family.

I realized how much I really kind of liked her.

Somebody once told me, "I could never do what you do. I just couldn't take time away from my kids like that." What? My stomach turned a little bit, and I wanted to scream at that person, and tell them that they'd clearly never seen rock bottom. Never had to fight for their lives for something that scared the hell out of them, but also made them feel really alive all at once.

See, my children weren't sent to me to be my identity, but to give me reason to find my own.

I know that now. And I owe that to my children. 

Had they not been sent to me, I would have never known that I was brave. For them.

To my children. You're my reason, and my fight. Thank you for teaching me that it's okay to want more, and to shine a little bit for you. 

Shine on, Moms. Don't be afraid.